Reflections on Entering My Next Decade

Fun fact: I’m the mother who introduced this fun, little ritual the night before each child’s birthday. This consisted of me entering into their bedroom, giving them an additional ‘Good Night’ kiss (post the regular bedtime process)  and then softly noting that “It’s the last night of being X years old. Say goodbye to that number and hello to the next one!”

Reflections on Entering My Next Decade

And now, it’s my turn… but this time it’s a milestone birthday which is rapidly approaching. Milestone birthdays have, historically, been a reflection-inducing time for many people, myself included. However, this one feels different… although I am, of course, paddling like hell to pretend to myself that it doesn’t.

Over the last twenty years, I have cheerfully noted, in conversations, that “I am 38 plus or minus.”  The announcement has usually elicited a variety of responses including smirks, giggles and eyebrow raising. Or a knowing “Ah! Really?!!!”

The sad truth is that this statement is no longer even remotely plausible as earlier this year my younger daughter gave birth to our first grandchild and my 31-year-old son got married. So I guess that, if push comes to shove, I could now credibly pass myself off as 49 years old as I could have given birth at the tender age of 18!!

This time of year also finds me in an especially ruminative, wistful mood as it is when my beloved father passed away four years ago. In the lead-up to the calendar date of his passing, I always find myself reflecting on whether I am continuing his legacy of engaging in acts of decency which sprinkle kindness into the lives of others adequately well.  But the bar was set high, so I never really permit myself to feel that I am measuring up...

However, since losing him four years in the middle of a decade of my life, I have made a conscious decision to abide by one of his core values which he modeled so beautifully for me and my siblings: “Make sure to help people from whom you have zero expectation of gaining anything in return.” When I stumbled on this recommendation in a letter he had written to me in the Eighties when I was in the midst of early adulthood drama, I probably filed it away under the ‘Yeh. One day maybe. Not now’ category as I was too involved with work and the social scene in my hometown of London.

However, I can now state, with pride, that I have really endeavored to live by this principle – particularly since my father’s passing – as each thoughtful contribution to the life of others has enhanced the level of meaning in my own life. Because I have, finally, come to comprehend that giving to others is actually a pleasurable experience for three different reasons as it:

1. Enriches the life of the recipient

2. Allows the donor to experience the joy of helping another person and gaining some self-respect in the process

3. Brings honor to the memory of loved one who instilled the value of ‘giving’  

As I enter this next decade which makes me feel like I am truly ‘getting on in years,’ I am taking stock of what I have learned from the past decade which has been especially painful and challenging albeit educative in multiple different ways. It has been a decade in which I have honestly plumbed the depths more frequently than I have scaled the heights; witnessed firsthand the fragility of relationships on a personal, national and global level; listened to, observed and shared firsthand the trials, tribulations and suffering of others and learned that we are, once again, at an important and frightening inflection point in the history of mankind. Sadly, Life today seems to be unbearably complex and messy for so many individuals across the age segments…

I have spent many hours journaling, talking and reflecting on Life today versus that of my ancestors - especially both sets of my grandparents whom I was blessed to know. I have acknowledged that all human beings struggle and need to build resilience in one or more arenas of life and that, ultimately, how we live our life shapes how we are remembered and what emotional legacy we leave behind for our children and grandchildren.

We are each a mini world with our own brand essence crafted by our demeanor, words, behaviors and actions. The treasures that remain once we leave this world are not just our material possessions – a favorite pair of earrings, a chocolate bar, an electric guitar or the miniature elephants we painstakingly collected. The most valuable treasures include memories of the twinkle in our eye, an infectious giggle, the soft touch of our hug, one of our oft-cited mantras, a kind word, action, shared piece of wisdom or an act of courage at a devastatingly difficult moment. Additionally, it is how we make other people feel – even when we are suffering ourselves – which can help define how we see ourselves and how others see us. Treating others with compassion, respect and dignity when we feel broken ourselves is a sacred act – one which grants us the opportunity to elevate our souls in a uniquely beautiful way.

So after a decade in which a smorgsabord of life stage-related issues (including aging parents, complex situations with adult children, sick friends and family, and work) made it difficult to experience much emotional harmony, I have intentionally decided to focus on that over which I can have some agency. Despite the fact that the ‘big picture landscape’ - in my life and in the world – looks extremely different from the one I had envisaged for myself at this stage, I am choosing to look forward and enumerate the positives.

So here are some key takeaways I wish to share as I enter this new decade – one which might make me feel ‘old’ but which I, nonetheless, also feel privileged to enter as I have friends who did not make it.

1. Challenge yourself to unearth gratitude for what you have and for what you don’t have

   
   

2. Learn to treasure the small joys in each day rather than feeling overwhelmed by the absences of the big joys which you may yearn for, but which are beyond your control

   
   

3. Allow yourself to find those guilty pleasures which can make a less-than-fabulous day still feel ‘not-so-bad’; a frappuccino, dinner with a friend, a mindless Italian soap opera or a Youtube video on how to fix a broken printer if that floats your boat!

   
   

4. Retain your interest in always learning more - about all kinds of things, the world, yourself and others; identify new hobbies/places to visit as that helps keep you feeling vital

   
   

5. Ensure that your heart is always open to forging new relationships as we are never too old to find others to share our life

   
   

6. Seek out those who could benefit from your presence/assistance because there are so many people out there who have an even heavier burden to carry than you do; just by being there and listening, you can lighten their load and your own in the process!

   
   

7. Avoid confrontation when possible and be ready to make peace and forgive quickly, when necessary; because it is more painful to feel hatred or resentment in one’s heart than to acknowledge that we are all just splashing our way through the turbulent waves

   
   

8. Recognize that we are all here on Earth for a short amount of time; don’t look to criticize, resent or hate others as it is healthier to live and let live. Being a critical, resentful or hate-filled individual also ruins your brand image for your descendants; individuals who are cherished and elicit love once they are gone are usually the warm, caring, peace-loving souls

   
   

9. Try to scatter some goodness and kindness into the world each day as that increases your Quality of Life as well as that of others

   
   

10. Never give up believing that good things can happen… because they can and they do. Every day is a fresh start and can bring new hope